How to have a Beautiful Mind

[Shajaa3ah]

How to have a beautiful mind (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0091894603/202-7328895-1940642) by Edward de Bono

http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0091894603.02.LZZZZZZZ.jpg


Synopsis

People spend a fortune on their bodies, their faces, their hair, their clothes. Cosmetics, plastic surgery, diets, gym membership - everyone's trying to be more attractive. But there's an easier way to become a beautiful person. It doesn't have to be physical. No matter how you look, if you have a mind that's fascinating, creative, exciting - if you're a good thinker - you can be beautiful. And being attractive doesn't necessarily come from being intelligent or highly-educated. It isn't about having a great personality. It's about using your imagination and expanding your creativity. And it's when talking with people that we make the greatest impact. A person may be physically beautiful, but when speaking to others a dull or ugly or uncreative mind will definitely turn them off. In clear, practical language, de Bono shows how by applying lateral and parallel thinking skills to your conversation you can improve your mind. By learning how to listen, make a point, and manoeuvre a discussion, you can become creative and more appealing - more beautiful. Edward de Bono is a tool maker. His tools have been fashioned for thinking, to make more of the mind.

Contents:




How to Agree
How to Disagree
How to Differ
How to be Interesting
How to Respond
How to Listen
Questions
Parallel Thinking - The Six Hats
Concepts
Alternatives
Emotions and Feelings
Values
Diversions and Off-Course
Information and Knowledge
Opinion
Interruption
Attitude
Starting and Topics
Conclusion

[Shajaa3ah]

How to Agree Summary



Genuinely seek to find points of agreement in what the other person is saying.
There is no contribution if you simply agree with everything.
To disagree at every point is irritating and boring.
Being argumentative is not at all beautiful. There are better methods of exploring a subject.
There is no need to be ‘right’ all the time. Remove your ego from the discussion and focus instead on the subject matter.
Make a real effort to see where the other person is coming from. Explore that person’s ‘logic bubble’.
See if there are any circumstances in which the other person’s views might be right. Spell out such circumstances and show your agreement under those circumstances.
See if there are any special values which might make the other person’s view valid. Show that under those values you would agree. But also have your own opinion.
Acknowledge the value of someone’s special experience and treat this as a strong possibility but not necessarily complete.
Reject a sweeping generalisation but see whether you agree with any of the implications of any aspect of the generalisation.
Take a genuine delight in discovering points of agreement – even when there4 is overall disagreement.
Changing your perceptions to look at things in a different way is an important step in reaching possible agreement.

[Shajaa3ah]

How to Disagree Summary



Do not disagree for the sake of disagreeing.
Do not disagree just to show how clever you are or to boost your ego.
When you disagree, do so politely and gently rather than rudely and aggressively.
You may need to disagree to point out that a fact or statement is simply wrong.
You may need to point out errors of logic or to show that a conclusion does not necessarily follow from what went before.
You may need to point out selective perception and particular interpretation of statistics or events.
Where emotions, prejudices and stereotypes appear to be used, you may want to indicate this.
You may want to disagree to show a different personal experience.
Almost always you will want to challenge sweeping generalisations.
You will want to challenge conclusions based on extreme extrapolations into the future.
It is very important to challenge ‘certainty’ and to suggest ‘possibility’ instead.
Distinguish between having a different opinion and disagreeing with an opinion.

[Shajaa3ah]

How to Differ Summary



There are times when only one of a different set of opinions can be right. This is where ‘truth’ can be checked out.
More often different opinions can all have their own validity.
Difference may arise from a different definition of the basis for judgment (the ‘best’ road).
Difference may arise from personal preference, taste or choice.
Difference may arise from a different set of values.
Difference may arise from a different point of view or perspective.
Difference may arise from a different perception even if from the same point of view.
Difference may arise from differing personal experience or differing knowledge.
Difference may arise from a different view of possible futures.
Seek to lay out as clearly as possible the nature of the difference. Lay one opinion alongside the different one.
Seek to explore and explain the reasons for the difference.
Seek to reconcile the differences and then agree to differ on what cannot be reconciled.

[Shajaa3ah]

How to be Interesting Summary





It is always important to get to the truth, but being interesting is more important than winning an argument. You owe it to yourself and to others to be interesting.
Interest may arise from interesting things you have done, are doing, or know about. Interest can also arise from how you conduct a conversation.
Using the ‘what if?’ technique can open up new possibilities and new lines of thought.
Looking out for possibilities and alternatives enriches the conversation. There is usually more than one way of doing things or looking at things.
Speculation looks forward and opens up new areas of interest. Description only looks backward.
Finding and making connections links matters together and generates interest.
New ideas are rare and freshen any discussion. Seek to be creative and to generate new ideas. Learn and apply the formal techniques of lateral thinking.
Provocation is a useful way to force new ides. You put forward a statement you know to be wrong or impossible in order to provoke new thinking.
Use as a formal tool the phrase ‘Now that is interesting.’ Be ready to apply this to anything you hear.
Seek to explore and elaborate and to pull interest out of any matter.
practise simple exercises to develop your ability to create interest.
when someone else opens up an interesting line of thought, go along with it and help to develop the interest further.

How to respond Summary

1. The overall objective in any conversation might be to agree, to disagree, to agree on the difference – and to have an enjoyable and interesting discussion.

2. If you are in any doubt about what has been said, it is important to ask for clarification.

Misunderstanding and arguing at cross purposes are a waste of time and energy.

3. Support goes beyond agreement. You can support a point that has been made from statistics, from your own experience, from a shared set of values and so on.

4. Anecdotes, examples, and stories add liveliness and reality to the discussion. They may be stories from your own experience or ones you have heard and believe to be relevant.

5. Stories do not ‘prove’ anything except perhaps to challenge a generalization (by showing exceptions).

6. Stories illustrate principles, processes and possibilities. A process that might be complex to explain can be illustrated by a simple story.

7. You may want to go further than just agreeing with a point that has been made. You may want to build upon that point in order to take it further.

8. You may wish to extend a suggestion by enlarging it and growing the suggestions.

9. You can imagine an idea being put into action in the real world. You watch what might happen and describe what you see: in both a positive and negative sense.

10. You may want to modify an idea to make it more acceptable to yourself, stronger or more practical.

11. Once an idea has emerged it is no longer a matter of ‘your idea’ or ‘my idea’ but an idea to be improved and assessed.

15. Instead of the usual ‘battle’ of argument there is a joint effort to explore the subject.



How to Listen Summary


1. The ability to listen and the enjoyment of listening is a key part of developing a beautiful mind. 2. A good listener pays attention and seeks to get the maximum value from what is being said. There are two focuses for attention: the point the speaker is trying to make; and the separate value of what is being said (in its own right).

3. Listening is not just having to wait impatiently until you can yourself speak.

4. You may get new information and you can probe for further information with questions.

5. You may get a new point of view which had not occurred to you before.

6. There may be new insights and realizations that are triggered by the speaker.

7. You might realize there are alternative perceptions that are new to you.

8. You may learn the reasoning behind a point of view quite different from your own.

9. You could learn how people apply values which differ from your own.

10. You should take note of the words used and especially the adjectives, which indicate feelings.

11. You should make a habit of repeating back to the speaker what you think you have understood. This is both useful and important.

12. You should use questions to check on facts and to ask for more details around points of interest.

[Shajaa3ah]

Note: In the book, each section has a proper chapter about it, and at the end of each chapter is a summary as above.

I had already typed those up before to send to a friend.

If anyone wants the summary from a particular part of the contents, let me know and I will type it up.

Alternatively, if anyone has really benefited from the summaries, I can type all of them up in shaa' Allaah. Let me know.

[Abu MishMish]

That's interesting.

These are personality traits -the ones listed above. Do you think people can beautify their personality? Behavioral traits may and can be changed, so thats Okay.

But these are personality traits, which brings up the Hadeeth ‘Spirits are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.’

Were you able to beautify yourself?

[Shajaa3ah]

Just to clarify what you mean, are you suggesting that the points listed have to be 'inbuilt' into your character, and that they cannot be learnt or developed?

If the answer is yes, I would like to ask on what premises this assumption is based.

If the answer is no, then I am sorry, that is what I understood. So please explain it further in shaa' Allaah.

[Abu MishMish]

Yes, this is exactly what I'm suggesting.

Take the first set. "How to agree" - Some people are argumentative by nature. They have this loser-personality, and being argumentative is one of the things they enjoy doing, some may just have to feel ‘right’ all the time and they achieve that by not agreeing...while others may just want to stick out - and so they'd never conform with the others, etc..etc.

All these traits do have a root cause - but it's usually to late to fix them, things were built over the years from day one ....and now it's a personality.

[Shajaa3ah]

Alot of women like to use the excuse that they are 'jealous by nature' because, in my view, it is a very convenient thing to be able to say. If a woman acts in an unacceptable manner due to her jealousy, she will justify it by saying it is in her nature. But just because it is in her nature does not mean she should try hard to change it. And it can be changed.

Similarly with people who are argumentative by nature, or who have a bad temper, or who are impatient, or who like the sound of their own voices. I do not accept that these are things that are out of our control, like how tall we are, or the colour of our skin, or how deep-pitched/high-pitched our voices are. I acknowledge that it is very very difficult to change some things, and the older that a person gets, the harder it gets.

But I do not accept that these things cannot be changed. We are told to exhort one another to patience - what would then be the point of exhorting a person who is 'impatient by nature' to patience? When the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) advised the man who got angry alot, 'Do not get angry,' why did not he (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) just put it down to being in the man's nature to get angry?

I do not think the points listed above are ingrained in one's personality. What I understand 'personality traits' to be (in the context in which you have used the word - aspects of one's character that cannot be changed) are things like saying that I incline towards the arts over the sciences, or that I am introverted, or that I have a natural talent to do such-and-such.

But I very much believe - and have seen - that the points listed above are simple behavioural characteristics that can be learned, improved, polished and refined, with a little effort. Is this not the very essence of tazkiyah?

[Prof]

Take the first set. "How to agree" - Some people are argumentative by nature. They have this loser-personality, and being argumentative is one of the things they enjoy doing, some may just have to feel ‘right’ all the time and they achieve that by not agreeing...while others may just want to stick out - and so they'd never conform with the others, etc..etc.

You said they have a "loser-personality" for being argumentative. Perhaps, but it may also be the case that they have very strong convictions and believe they are correct and would just like others to be correct.

You said they "have to feel 'right' all the time" by agreeing. Perhaps, but it may also be the case that they really do not care about (what they perceive as) trivial matters and would rather not waste time arguing about something they feel is silly.

You took both sides of the coin and found negative connotations for both. I took both sides and found positive(ish) connotations. So my question is, where does this guy come off suggesting which personality trait is more beautiful? Shajaa3ah linked to this thread from a post where people could not even agree if beauty was relative or absolute, let alone what beauty is.

============

I decided to read the thread and it looks like the author is not talking too much about personality traits. He is discussing more about what is the proper way to agree when the need arises and the proper way to the disagree when the need arises. I think the above from Abu MishMish and myself is still valid because the author does say, "Being argumentative is not at all beautiful."

I misrepresented myself. I only read the first post, now I went back and read the points under "How to respond." Most of it is either common sense or just his opinion on what is a "good" way of doing things. Seems kind of sheepish to me.

I personally recommend something that yields results rather than just presents someone's opinion on what is the "right" way of doing something. There is a book by Dale Carnegie entitled, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I read it several years ago, but I believe it to be more useful than Mr. de Bono's book which merely tries to bring society into agreement over HIS idea of proper behavior. For example, Carnegie said that when you want to disagree with someone (similar topic! let us see what he said), do not say "no." When people hear that word it is like you just slapped them in the face and said, "You are wrong!" A lot of times people will either tune out after that or just become stubborn in their opinion out of spite, anger, and perhaps a tinge of hate. So a better way would be to say something like, "I see what you are saying, but let us look at it at this angle... "

I find that to be a much more practical tip than de Bono's: "When you disagree, do so politely and gently rather than rudely and aggressively."

I can say "no" in an extremely polite manner.

[Prof]

I am not suggesting Carnegie's book per se, I was just bringing forth an example of what I thought to be more useful.

[Shajaa3ah]

Jazaakumullaahu khairan, Prof.

Shajaa3ah linked to this thread from a post where people could not even agree if beauty was relative or absolute, let alone what beauty is.

I actually only wanted to add that twist to the thread to provoke discussion, and did it by mentioning the book

So a better way would be to say something like, "I see what you are saying, but let us look at it at this angle... "

I find that to be a much more practical tip than de Bono's: "When you disagree, do so politely and gently rather than rudely and aggressively."

Just so nobody gets the wrong idea, the above lists are all summaries of the chapters. In the actual book, for example, the section about politeness reads:

POLITENESS

You are just stupid.
That is the silliest thing I have heard in a long time.
That is wrong.
THat is poor logic.
I disagree with everything you have said.
How stupid can you be?

All these are rather harsh and rude ways of expressing disagreement. A better choice of expression can still communicate disagreement without being offensive:

I am not sure I follow your reasoning.
There might be another way of looking at it.
That is only one point of view.
How about this other possibility?
I think I have some doubts about yoru conclusion.
Maybe that is so, and maybe it is not so.
I can think of an alternative explanation.

Gentle disagreement is as valid as as aggressive disagreement. On the whole, it is more beautiful to be gentle than to be aggressive.

There may be many different reasons for the disagreement. Some are listed here

Btw, there is alot I don't agree with about the book, and alot I do not like. I agree that Carnegie's book is more useful than this particular book as well. I just think there are alot of things in this book that would make some people on this board raise an eyebrow, because they would think, for example, they cannot 'learn' politeness, or temperance, or empathy etc. and this challenges otherwise.

But thank you for brining up your points.

[Prof]

You are welcome.

[ismiyy]

what would you say is the difference between plain speaking and rudeness?

[Abu Dujanah]

Some characteristics can be changed, and hence the hadeeth, 'O Allah as you perfected my creation, then perfect my manners'.

However, we were also taught by the Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa salam, that the sons of Aadam are made of two types of mud: there's the rough mud, and there's the soft mud. That's something that you're created with, and cannot change either way except with great difficulty. The rough mud being the aggressive, argumenative, arrogant....personality. The soft mud being the big hearted, pleasant....personality. Those are inbred into those people. Algerians, for instance, I'd say, are an example of mud A. Baluchis are an example of mud B. See the difference?

But I really like the fact that you brought up this topic, and improving manners and personality is something all should constantly work on. Our righteous Salaf worked much on these matters, and overcame many shortcomings; Ibn Hazm describes how he consistently worked hard on overcoming aggressive argumentation (for the sake of it), envy, pride...(those the ones I could remember, cause they are traits I possess). He says, may Allah have mercy upon his soul, how, despite all the years (years!) he's put into overcoming these characteristics, he still hasn't overcome them fully, but has heavily improved. These are characteristics that no son of Aadam lacks, he mentions, and he goes on to mention how to overcome them. I can't remember the exact book name at the moment, but if anyone does want to know, I'll search and get you the title.

And thanks for the post.

[Shajaa3ah]

However, we were also taught by the Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa salam, that the sons of Aadam are made of two types of mud: there's the rough mud, and there's the soft mud. That's something that you're created with, and cannot change either way except with great difficulty. The rough mud being the aggressive, argumenative, arrogant....personality. The soft mud being the big hearted, pleasant....personality.

Interesting maa shaa' Allaah, I haven't heard of this before. Do you have a reference, or the Arabic? I'd like to look up some more sharhs of it in shaa' Allaah, and get a better understanding.

I can't remember the exact book name at the moment, but if anyone does want to know, I'll search and get you the title.

I would like to know. Please do in shaa' Allaah.


And thanks for the post.

Wa iyyaakum.

Jazakumullaahu khairan for the extra perspective you added.

[Abu MishMish]

But I do not accept that these things cannot be changed. We are told to exhort one another to patience - what would then be the point of exhorting a person who is 'impatient by nature' to patience? When the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) advised the man who got angry alot, 'Do not get angry,' why did not he (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) just put it down to being in the man's nature to get angry?
I agree with that.
Similarly with people who are argumentative by nature, or who have a bad temper, or who are impatient, or who like the sound of their own voices. I do not accept that these are things that are out of our control, like how tall we are, or the colour of our skin, or how deep-pitched/high-pitched our voices are. I acknowledge that it is very very difficult to change some things, and the older that a person gets, the harder it gets.
Take a look at this thread, Why Is It Always About You (http://talk.islamicnetwork.com/showthread.php?t=2342). If you know a Narcissist, do you believe he can change?

A more realistic example. An only-child: I don't know if you've met any, but generally it would be very hard for someone who had siblings to hang out with an only-child. The way they precieve the world is completly diffrent. You may even start feeling that they are from a diffrent planet. They really love the sound of their own voices. Can they be changed?

[Shajaa3ah]

what would you say is the difference between plain speaking and rudeness?

The first thought that came to my head was that rudeness is plain speaking without tact.

It sounds like something is amiss, though.

[Shajaa3ah]

Take a look at this thread, Why Is It Always About You (http://talk.islamicnetwork.com/showthread.php?t=2342). If you know a Narcissist, do you believe he can change?

Yes, I do.

I honestly do not like most people on a deep level, and alot of the time, what instigates this is that they do not try to change all of the sucky characteristics they have, that they have every ability to change.

Abu Dujanah mentioning that hadith has made me think that maybe some people really cannot change, in which case I would have to rethink whether most people deserve the dislike I have for them. But for now, I do believe that anyone can change any such attitudes, if they put in the effort.


A more realistic example. An only-child: I don't know if you've met any, but generally it would be very hard for someone who had siblings to hang out with an only-child. The way they precieve the world is completly diffrent. You may even start feeling that they are from a diffrent planet. They really love the sound of their own voices. Can they be changed?

You are right, actually. I cannot comment on this, because I don't have first-hand experience of trying to be 'friends' with an only child. No, actually, there was one person who I got on with really really well, who is an only child, but that is over the internet so I won't count it. But you could have a point, Allaahu a3lam.

But in general, there are other people who I have come across who perceive the world completely diffferently to me. I did have a very difficult time getting on with them when it was not on a surface, shallow level. But I do actually believe that those people could change their attitude and perspectives given the right mental training, and one person in fact did change somewhat after having alot of discussions with them. I still didn't like them and couldn't get on. But they changed.

[Prof]

what would you say is the difference between plain speaking and rudeness?Thinking about it more, I would say nothing. If I spoke "plainly," and I assume you just mean true feelings, then I think I would offend just about every single person I knew and many that I did not. They would probably consider it rude.

[Prof]

I honestly do not like most people on a deep level,

Masha'Allah. I do not like most people on a deep level, shallow level, mid-depth level, and surface level.

And in addition to my previous post, I think the only person I could not offend is Sasjamal, masha'Allah.

[Rose15]

I dont get it

why do u read these books?

to help u ? to change urself

u are what u are

a dumb book tellin u how to behave and handle urself is silly

dont care what u say, only time im open minded is wen it comes to food

ill taste a lil, if i dont like it, then no nooooo nooooooo

[Abu MishMish]

But in general, there are other people who I have come across who perceive the world completely diffferently to me. I did have a very difficult time getting on with them when it was not on a surface, shallow level. But I do actually believe that those people could change their attitude and perspectives given the right mental training, and one person in fact did change somewhat after having alot of discussions with them. I still didn't like them and couldn't get on. But they changed.
See - why don't you accept the fact that they are diffrent. The same goes to them, maybe they also think you should and can change to their ways.

We were created diffrently and raised diffrently. It makes sense that we should act diffrently.

But that's me being passive regarding humans and their behavior.

[Shajaa3ah]

Masha'Allah. I do not like most people on a deep level, shallow level, mid-depth level, and surface level.

:thumbsup: But I qualified mine with the usual cause of my dislike. What's yours?

[Shajaa3ah]

I dont get it

why do u read these books?

to help u ? to change urself

u are what u are

a dumb book tellin u how to behave and handle urself is silly

dont care what u say, only time im open minded is wen it comes to food

ill taste a lil, if i dont like it, then no nooooo nooooooo

To be the best you can be.

[Shajaa3ah]

See - why don't you accept the fact that they are diffrent. The same goes to them, maybe they also think you should and can change to their ways.

We were created diffrently and raised diffrently. It makes sense that we should act diffrently.

But that's me being passive with regard to humans and their behavior.

They probably do think I should change to their ways. But unless they can convince me of why their ways are better, I don't actually care what they think. Likewise, they should not care what I think unless I can convince them of the same.

I accept that we are created differently and raised differently. But when the result of that nature and nurture are that we have blameworthy traits in our character, that land us up in situations where we do not act in the way most pleasing to Allaah, then I do not accept that we should passively submit to these traits as being a part of us that we cannot change.

If we are talking about things like your saying to-may-to and my saying to-mah-to, or anything else that really makes no difference to how Allaah views the person and how pleased He is with them, then these differences add spice to life, and I am not concerned with whether they are changed or not, and I do not think they are worth discussing.

Maybe that was a point I should have made clearer earlier on. Jazakumullaahu khairan for brining it to attention.

[Rose15]

shajjah, thinkin too much, doesnt it hurt ur brain?

[Shajaa3ah]

No, it gives it a natural high :thumbsup:

[Prof]

:thumbsup: But I qualified mine with the usual cause of my dislike. What's yours?Allergic mental reaction.

Those two posts taken together are very interesting. Very interesting, indeed.I had enough coffee this morning, but I still do not understand why. Please elaborate.

[Shajaa3ah]

I had enough coffee this morning, but I still do not understand why. Please elaborate.

I was about to edit that part out of my post, because I realised that the only reason I found it interesting was because I subconsciouly read something into Abu MishMish's post that wasn't there.

So I am sorry, please ignore that.

---

I still am going to edit it, because I do not want to cause doubts about what I found interesting in shaa' Allaah.

[Prof]

:thumbsup: But I qualified mine with the usual cause of my dislike. What's yours?I came up with a deeper answer. I tried several times to write a reply, but I could never pin down the reason why I do not like people and it bothered me. Ibn El-Sheikh calls me a fool for trying to find logic in matters of the heart, but it is what I try to do. Alhamdulillah after several hours of thoughtful pondering over why I do not like people, I know why.

[Shajaa3ah]

Alhamdulillaah.

Are you going to share what you came up with?

[Prof]

Something that took me hours of introspection would be rather personal, n'est pas?

[Shajaa3ah]

Pas. Sorry :/

[Umm Baraa Al Maliki]

i was waiting for it too man..
4 pgs and no conclusion.

[Prof]

i was waiting for it too man..
4 pgs and no conclusion.Let me help you with that.

Go to "User CP," go to the "Edit Options" page, and then look under "Thread Display Options" to change how many posts are displayed per page. I have mine set to 20. The scrolling is generally bearable and there are half as many pages compared to 10ppp.

[Abu MishMish]

Can you change mine. Set it to the maximum (I believe it's 40)

[Abu Dujanah]

al-Akhlaaq was-Siyar fi Mudawaat an-Nufoos is the book title.